


Fruit of the Loon

by Captain_Loki



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Ancient Tech, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-09
Updated: 2012-03-09
Packaged: 2017-11-01 16:22:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/358870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Loki/pseuds/Captain_Loki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>McKay gets turned into a Banana...no seriously that's what its about</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fruit of the Loon

It happened unexpectedly. John wasn’t sure that this type of situation could happen expectedly, actually. Come to think of it, John wasn’t sure that anyone had ever been in this situation ever. But John had stopped being surprised by these types of situations.

That didn’t stop him from being slightly taken aback, however, when he and his team had been standing by while Rodney fiddled—“fiddling is what you do to a broken toaster when you have no idea how to fix it. Scientific analysis is what you do when you’re a gen—“ but Rodney hadn’t been able to finish his sentence because as it so happened, Rodney’s “scientific analysis” of the Ancient device resulted in a flash of brilliant white light that appeared to have swallowed Rodney.

“Rodney!” John had started, because he was scientifically analyzing a complete lack of annoying scientist. John bolted around to the other side of the console, P-90 in hand, and that’s precisely when things got even stranger. Team members suddenly disappearing was a fairly normal occurrence these days, and John had read enough SG1 mission reports to know it wasn’t localized to Pegasus. But nowhere in any of those reports did anyone suddenly turn into a “banana?” John asked, to no one in particular, staring down at the ripened fruit lying precisely where his best friend had been.

 

 

“Are you sure that this even Rodney?” Teyla asked with concern, staring at the fruit placed carefully upon a cushion in Rodney’s own lab.

“Zelenka and Carter are trying to figure out what the device does,” John said, his hand on a canted hip.

“I wonder what happened?” Ronon said, poking Rod-the bana—banana Rodney in what could have been his side.

“Perhaps the device has...somehow changed his DNA?” Teyla suggested.

“Why would the Ancients build a machine to turn people into fruit?” Ronon asked, a smirk tugging at the corner of his lips.

“Food shortage?” John suggested. “New defense against the Wraith? Can’t wipe them out just turn them into delicious smoothies.”

 

 

John wasn’t sure if Rodney was at all sentient inside his banana. He didn’t seem to respond to any kind of stimulus.

“Delicious jello,” John moaned, waving the spoonful in front of the banana before plunging it into his mouth. But banana Rodney remained immobile.

 

“I didn’t want to have to tell you this but, Zelenka is smarter than you.” Nothing.

 

“You know Kavanaugh might come down and take a look at the device.” Nope.

 

“Samantha Carter is standing behind you completely naked.” John tried, but to no avail. He slumped over the table, his head cradled in his open palms and sighed heavily.

“C’mon Rodney,” John flicked gently at the banana. “How come it’s always the one person integral to the mission that’s always incapacitated. “ John sighed, and said with a smirk, “of course I know what you’d say, ‘it happens less often than you’d think—I’m not incapacitated all the time.’ “

 

 

“Colonel Carter believes there is no point in holding discussions with this fruit, John. If indeed it is Rodney, he can neither hear nor respond to you.” Teyla told him rationally.

“Yeah, you could say it’s pretty fruitless.” Ronon replied, cracking a small smile. John closed the copy of PC Weekly and  
tried not to scowl.

“Well I don’t see you coming up with brilliant plans.”

“Colonel Carter and Zelenka are doing everything they can, and Dr. Jackson is due at any moment with a complete translation of the Ancient featured on the device.” Teyla tried to reassure John.

“But he was supposed to finish watching Return of the Jedi with me.” John replied, petulantly, staring longingly at the fruit.

“I’ll watch it with you,” Ronon offered, clapping a hand on John’s shoulder.

“It’s just not the same.” John sighed, wandering dejectedly out of the lab.

 

 

“I am growing concerned about the Colonel’s behavior,” Teyla confided in Sam the following morning.

“Sheppard? What’s wrong?” Sam asked, dropping her pen and pulling her attention away from the device.

“Last night I was worried and I went to check in him in his quarters,” Teyla started, “and I found him…” she paused and Sam’s brow rose. “He was tucking the banana in.”

“Tucking...the banana in?” Sam echoed. Teyla nodded.

“The more alarming part was the lullaby he sang to it first.”

 

 

“We think we’ve figured out how to reverse whatever it was that Dr. McKay did to activate the device.” Sam said to the group gathered in Rodney’s lab. John wrung his hands expectantly together, staring at the device. Sam nodded and reached towards her keyboard.

John looked around. His confusion grew when he saw that banana Rodney was nowhere in sight.

“Where’s Rodney?” John asked.

“Well, hopefully here in a minute,” Sam replied absently.

“No I mean…you know the fruit. I brought him back here last night.” John said, concern growing when no one seemed to pay him any attention.

“Did I miss anything?” Major Lorne asked, stepping into the room. John turned to look, his eyes growing wide and his jaw dropping. Major Lorne gave him a strange look, took another bite of the banana in his hand.

“Wha--?” He asked around the mouthful. John stepped forward slowly, maniacal looking in his eyes as he made his way towards the Major. Lorne stepped back, face paling at John’s expression.

“C-colonel?” He asked. John lunged, Lorne gave a shout of surprise and jumped back, choking down the mouthful of banana.

“What the hell are you doing?!” John shouted, flinging himself into Major Lorne’s arms and attempting to wrestle the half eaten banana out of his hand.

“Rodney!” John shouted, knocking the Major down and slamming his hand into the ground hard enough for the Banana to go flying out of his hand and skidding across the floor.

John jumped up and chased after it. He picked it up, cradling it in his lap, horrorstruck. It was bruised, and mushy and naked.

“Rodney!” John squeaked, staring down at his best friend turned fruit.

 

There was a flash of bright white light and as John’s eyes readjusted something hard slapped him upside the head.

“What is wrong with you?” Came Rodney’s voice from behind him. John gasped, threw the banana away in surprise.

“It can talk!”

“Back. Here.” Rodney sighed. John jumped up and turned.

“Rodney!” He said, surprised. Delighted.

“You actually thought I was a banana?” He asked, in that “I’m so superior” way of his. John cherished it.

“Well…you disappeared. Banana left behind! What was I supposed to think?”

“Pretty much anything other than that I GOT TURNED INTO A BANANA!” Rodney ended in a shout, looking at John like he was either eight kinds of crazy or eight kinds of stupid. Or a mixture of both. John felt both. He also felt inexorably happy and relieved.

“I went out of phase! I can’t believe you thought I got turned into a banana. I can’t believe you actually tucked the banana into bed.”

“Rodney!” John interrupted.

Or let it use your ipod! Or—“

“Rodney!” Rodney paused. Stared at John expectantly. John darted forward and enveloped Rodney in a bone-crushing hug. Rodney squirmed uncomfortably in his arms, his own pinned to the side. John squeezed, and Rodney grinned, patted John on the sides.

“Glad to have you back.” John sighed, affectionately, and pulled away.

“I can’t believe you let someone eat me.” Rodney chastised, following him down the hall.

“It wasn’t you.” John pointed out.

“You didn’t know that,” Rodney replied.

“Goodnight Rodney.”

“Hey, we still up for Return of the Jedi?” John didn’t respond.

“You don’t really think Zelenka is smarter than I am right, because I have the paperwork and the PhDs to prove otherwise…John?”  



End file.
